- nayyirah waheed (via oncewild)
I’m having a bad flare right now. I haven’t had one like this for quite some time. My back and stomach and scalp and ears keep sprouting new little dots. I suspect it could be because of allergies (or maybe it’s from having a cold slash an inherently reactive immune system) but GOD it sucks not knowing exactly why it’s happening or how to stop it! I get tired thinking about it and moving around with it and looking at it and orienting my daily habits around it and always having to keep stocked with expensive moisturizers and feeling that weird tight burny feeling in my face and ears whenever I have a drink.
I try to remind myself that sometimes psoriasis can be a helpful gauge — am I taking care of myself or not? Am I making the healthiest choices? My skin reflects what I put into my body more than most people’s skin does. But some days it is really hard not to wish that it could be cool and smooth and soft instead of peppered with rough, pink patches. Especially since every day is closer to winter, which in Minnesota is brutal and long and DRY. Especially since I have been waiting months for my insurance to evaluate me for Humira, and I’ll be ok if I don’t get it (as seems likely), but oh man, how nice would it be to do a little needle once a week instead of roasting myself under UV light every few days? (Not that it is an easy decision.)
Loving yourself is hard work sometimes! Honor the struggle.
Lately/this summer/for the first time, I’ve just been saying FUCK IT and wearing shorter skirts and short sleeves and tank tops out in public.
And it’s been awesome!!
Not that there aren’t days when I have bouts of feeling shitty about myself and about my skin and need to cover up. Just that it’s worth it when I push myself outside of that comfort zone. It is so easy to just crack and wear jeans and longer sleeves and pretend you’re not DYING under there, but is it really worth it? Is it really fair to yourself?? Or are you just trying to make other people feeling more comfortable around you because some part of yourself is disgusted by your own body and feels ugly and less-than and doesn’t want anyone else to have to experience it either?
Today I was feeling bad about myself and my skin (so easy to do!) but I still put on a skirt and pumped myself up a little bit and mostly just forgot about it and stopped caring and it felt GREAT — the sun on my skin, the grass on my skin, the wind on my skin. Lately I’ve been having moments of realizing that it just doesn’t matter, my body is mine and my own and really all I have, it is the only vessel I will ever possess, and it is just as worthy of respect and comfort, just as deserving to wear shorts as anyone else’s body.
Sometimes it’s easier to be uncovered around strangers as opposed to people you know/coworkers/acquaintances. Weird how that goes! Maybe because I care less about the opinions of strangers than the opinions of people whose respect I feel I need to earn.
I’ve seen a couple strangers with psoriasis out in public lately and that makes me so happy! I always have the urge to strike up a conversation, but I never do. Enough for me to see them and know that both of us are temporarily existing in the same place doing our respective things.
Thoughts about psoriasis!
"Loving you means holding yourself with unconditional positive regard.
It means giving yourself the time and space to make poor choices and bad decisions, knowing that you are learning and growing through it all.
Loving you means consciously and consistently engaging in behaviors and activities that are self-supportive, self-affirming and self-honoring.
It also means when you forget or resist opportunities to honor you, instead of beating yourself up, you look for and embrace the lessons you learn.
When you love on you, when you trust you, when you honor you, you set the standard for how others will love you.”